Every couple of weeks I get a phone call asking ‘Is that The Light?’ So, in the highly unlikely event that someone actually reading this article thinks that The Light Review is The Light . . .no, we’re not.
.
For those innocents abroad who haven’t come across The Light (yet), let me help. The Light is a newspaper for conspiracy theories and general barmpottery, read by contrarian nutjobs who think that the Covid-19 vaccines were filled with Bill Gates’ sperm, or something, though I may have misread that last bit.
Less common is an email containing things like entire sentences and even the odd paragraph. So when Graham Cobald Jerrinaliferstan Pugsly Jr got in touch, I felt that I had to reply to whatever GCJP Jnr might turn out to be.
Hello the light newspaper, tis I, your most esteemed and dedicated reader. I call upon the powers that be today and bring you some most SHOCKING and TERRIFYING information. Around my local garden center ( which i frequent most regularly to increase my potted plant and garden gnome collection) i have see a worrying visage – potentially rare ( and government mandated?!?!) mosquitos carrying the covid 19 vaccine! Now i hear your worries “how do you know they are carrying the vaccine?”, “how do you know they are rare mosquitoes (possibly mandated by big pharma / corrupt evil government?)”, “How excellent is your garden pottery collection?”
SHUt up and let me tell you. I seen my own grandmother get done bit by one of these thangs and she died on the spot of a bloodclot. I saw it move up her neck like snake swallowing an egg but in reverse, then it passed into her head and her eyes rolled back and she let out a terrible gurgling and, unfortunately, perished on the spot. The official reports are trying to tell me that she had a so called “stroke” but i saw the mosquito bite her and inject her with that blasted vaccine. They are trying to brainwash me into believing that her darn heart, and i quote from the chief medical officer on the scene of her MURDER “her little heart popped like a balloon because she had too much love for you”. when the gustapo I mean police arrived on the scene, they showed overt disrespect and began dancing much in the same way that It the clown from stephen kings movie adaptation of It the pennywise clown did after butchering those poor children. The local parish council will not here my pleas and are trying to cover this government sanctioned MURDER up; my wails of sorrow and despair are falling on deaf ears and it is making me most displeased.. most displeased indeed…
It would aid my heart greatly if you could bring back the puzzle pages to your eye opening weekly paper as it was our favourite activity to complete together on a sunday morning – we would spend hours doing the crossword over and over and over. amongst the crosswords, dot to dot and colour by number, the porcupine cypher puzzles brought us such childlike joy that we would weep from laughter together and embrace is a loving hold for the entire evening! i miss her terribly and it would be a great justice to her untimely end if i could complete these puzzles once more at her funeral.
All the best from your most dedicated fan and loyal subscriber to the only paper with the minerals to publish the truth all day every day 23/7 365 days a year – Graham Cobald Jerrinaliferstan Pugsly Jr
.
My suspicions were raised immediately, mainly due to the lucidity of the argument and the heartfelt plea that something must be done – and a puzzle page would be the ideal response from The Light.
Of course, Graham Cobald Jerrinaliferstan Pugsly Jr is a pseudonym for my new friend Crooked Psycho, who is a self-confessed conspiracist goader and lunatic wrangler. CP is somewhere on this planet, possibly even in Japan – so far do we reach as a professional organ.
And this has been my promise to him – to publish his letter in something nearly called The Light.
Enjoy, mes freres et soeurs